Worthy

The devil is a liar.  Did you all know that?  Because he is.  This is a truth I have known and studied for many years.  Although I have known this in my mind, my heart was never fully on board.  Now, after 27 years of being on earth, my heart and my mind are beginning to see eye to eye.  The devil is a liar.  I’m ready to fight him.

Even as I am typing this, I keep thinking, “Oh Leah, you’ve said this so many times before and ended up exactly where you began.  Why even try?  You’re only going to make a fool of yourself.”  I know I’m just starting this battle, but I’m pretty sure that’s one of the lies.  Just a guess though.

For years I have been sinking deeper and deeper into this pit of self-loathing.  There were many times I have uttered the phrase, “I hate myself.”  I’m not proud of this, but I would look at my life and only see my failures.  Looking at my past, there was nothing I had done that I deemed as a success.  Every time I aimed to better myself it ended in utter failure.

And yes, it is true that I have written other blog posts that are declarations of me taking charge to change things in my life.  I aimed to become healthier physically, mentally, and spiritually.  So what is different this time around?

Looking back at my other “attempts,” I noticed a common theme: It was all about me.  It was all about me changing myself into this person that, in my head, was the perfect person.  Sure, I would wave my Christian flag and say the right things to make people believe I was doing this to grow in my faith.  Which, I think at the time, I believed I was doing it for God.  But no… it was all for me.  My intentions of bettering myself were dripping with selfishness.

At first, when I realized this, I let it fuel my self-loathing ways.  I became downcast and told myself there was no point in trying again.  After dealing with so many “failures” it was hard to see any hope of changing.

But then, one day, as I was crying out in anger at God because it seemed like nothing was ever going to be different.  Yelling at God because I was stuck.  It was in the midst of this, God whispered so gently to me saying, “it’s not about trying to change, it’s about believing in Me and My Love for you.  It’s believing you are worthy of My love.”

I believed the lie that if I just fix all my flaws, then I will be worthy of love.  If I just become this perfect person I have crafted in my head, then I’ll be accepted.

It seems so silly to type that out, especially with how many years I spent studying the Bible in school.  But I think a lot of us fall into that same trap.  We live in a world where we are constantly bombarded with different ways to better ourselves.  It’s hard not to believe that we have to fit into this mold of a “perfect person.”

Instead of constantly trying to change the “flaws” I saw in myself, I need to change the way I think.  And changing this way of thinking is no easy task.  I’ve been lost in this false belief for so many years, it’s only through leaning fully on God and truly believing in the gospel, that I have any hope.

We need to believe that we are worthy of God’s love.  We need to believe that it is through growing in your relationship with Him that we will find the truth and stop believing in the devil’s lies.

I want to challenge you all to see and believe this truth.  God’s love is already there, it is unconditional, and there is no amount of work you can do to earn it… because you already have it.

“For by grace you have been saved through faith.  And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.” 

Ephesians 2:8-9

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