It’s Christmas time. My favorite time of the year. A time when peace and joy are more present in my heart than any other time.
I love Christmas, everything about it. I love the snow, decorating the Christmas tree, decorating my house, looking at all the lights, singing Christmas carols, eating way too much good food, getting together with family and friends, finding the perfect gift for my loved ones, watching all the great Christmas movies, and going to the candlelight church service.
I love Christmas. But I would be lying if I didn’t say this Christmas has been a tough one. This past year has not been easy and it has left me broken. It seems the last few years have been rough. There’s been lots of pain, lots of tears, and a bit of anger.
A couple weeks ago I was at a very low point. Depression was clouding my mind and I could not seem to get myself into that jolly Christmas mood. But what was worse was that I could not talk to God. I could not find the words to pray. To be honest, I was angry with God. I was angry that my family, Carl’s family, and myself have had to go through so many dark times. I was angry that I was so confused and so lost, not knowing what I was supposed to do with my life. I was angry because I was losing hope that things would get better, always looking over my shoulder for the next terrible thing to come. I was angry because instead of being positive, I was only seeing the world through a negative lens.
Let me tell you, being angry at God only makes things worse (shocking, I know). But through everything, I was at least able to still say that God is good. And when I could not get myself to say that was soul crushing for me. I have never doubted my faith, never turned my back on God. I prided myself in my perseverance. So it was doubly difficult when I felt myself slipping away.
Thankfully, I worship a God who, even when I fail to keep hold of Him, He never lets go of me. Thankfully, I reached out for help this time. I’m done letting myself ruminate over all the bad things that have happened. I don’t want to let go of God, because without Him I would truly be nothing.
Slowly, but surely, I am healing from all the pain of this past year. I am finding new, and healthy ways to deal with my anxiety and depression. I am learning to be content with where I am in life. I’m learning to love who I am and gain confidence in myself and see myself the way God sees me. Most importantly, I’m slowly learning how to let go of control and surrender everything to God. I’m learning to listen more to the Holy Spirit than to my own feelings and thoughts. I’m healing.
I’m sharing all of this because, well… writing is a form of therapy for me. And I pray that through my story and the things I’m learning someone will be encouraged. I have stumbled many times in life, but God always is right there to pick me back up and move me forward. Life is tough… but God is still good… all the time.